Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Women's Ministry Christmas Tea

I have a sequin holiday sweater and I'm not afraid to use it.

But the sweater is just the beginning of the ensemble. With old school Aqua Net in one hand and glittery spray in the other I set about styling my hair. Then I apply festive make up, put on Christmassy jewelry, douse myself in Wal-Mart body splash, peel off my Crest Whitestrip and gaze upon the splendor that is me. Perhaps you're wondering why I'm so gussied up. I'm off to a Women's Ministry Christmas Tea, of course.

What? What's that you say? You've never been to a Christmas Tea? That's almost sacrilegious. Don't you realize the favor baby Jesus did by being born just so we could have this blessed event?! You'd better get your poinsettias in order my friend. Jesus only has one birthday party a year and this is it.

Ah, the Women's Ministry Christmas Tea - the place where estrogen and evergreen embrace over nutty cheese logs. Just thinking about it makes me want to decorate a straw hat craft and hug total strangers. Or, maybe embroider Luke 2 on some collates.

But alas, not every Christmas tea is as inspiring as what I've described. As hard as it may be to imagine, women don't always see eye to eye. If I had to be honest (which I don't because Jon said I can lie on his blog whenever I want) there's usually a steady undercurrent of competition brewing along with the tea. So, for your safety, I've compiled a list of precautions to keep in mind.

1) When you arrive scan the room and locate the fake Coach purses. These gems are typically packed with SSRIs and estrogen patches. It's a first aid kit every women's ministry event should never be without. In the event excessive giddy clapping that turns into hot flash sweating, apply a patch. When hopes are dashed over an ornament exchange, go for the SSRI.

2) Beware of leadership. I can't tell you how I know this, so keep it on the downlow. In order to be a leader in women's ministry you have to be jumped in. I personally know 1 whole person who was repeatedly stabbed with the back of a Snowman pin for her initiation. (And I don't even want to tell you what they did with hot glue and pipe cleaners.) So if anyone wearing a Santa hat and a nativity necklace asks you to welcome people as they come in, don't do it. Be rude. Keep to yourself.

3) Don't sit by the pastor's wife from another church. She may be all "super smiley sweater sets" and "unassuming knee highs with pumps" but watch out. She's got a score to settle. Remember last year when she had to be Joseph in the live nativity due to the excess facial hair thing? She's not over it, she's about to snap. If you see her serving summer sausage out of her purse with a butcher knife, say, "No thanks, I'm good." And just walk away.

4) The following categories will compete for door prizes so plan ahead: Who has the nicest Christmas tree airbrush nails? Who warbles the best "O Holy Night" harmony? Whose Christmas sweater is more blinky? Whose table design is most Biblically sound? Who can best disguise gossip as a prayer request? Prizes include 1) A DVD demonstration of how to most effectively scrub your toilet, set to "We Are The Reason" by David Meece 2) a silver bracelet with 57 charms that explain submission, and c) lip gloss that tastes like Near Beer.

5) Don’t forget to bring a pot luck item to share. Sure you bring 17 dozen hand made Christmas cookies, but why? In our current economic state we all need a good bargain. Instead, stop off at McDonalds for an eggnog shake and 30 straws. You could add alcohol but I don’t suggest it. Instead, get a roll of butter rum lifesavers, crush them and mix them in. Yum. There’s nothing like pretend sin now is there?

That's the best advice I can give you right now. I have to run - I’m off the Christmas tea. I’d love for you to come with me; it will be so super fun, fun, fun! But maybe you’ve already been to a Christmas event at your church this year. What was it like? Is there anything I forgot?

(Special thanks to the Stacy From Louisville readers whose ideas keep me laughing!)